Kickstand

(n.) allows to be kept upright without leaning against another object or the aid of a person.


I am one who likes to sit on things a while. I'm not talking chairs...I mean ideas and opinions; core beliefs that make me, me. I work it out in my head-space while life is going on around...and then proceed to evaluate why I let such things carry that impact on my formation. It must be part of my INFJ diagnostic personality (see previous post "the nature of forced sociability") . I've been working one inter-personal topic out for the greater part of this week. And prior to that, for the greater part of my mature life. If you are out there and reading, this one's for you:

My resolve, my most conclusively conclusive conclusion, for modernity, is that my introvert's solitary side supersedes the desire to be validated by friends. Because for me the latter inevitably fails. My F, my feeling side, is attuned to the nuances of self-centered-ism....I can see eyes drift up and to the right while I indulge myself in verbalizing a personal story, opinion or insight on an infrequent but trusting whim. I can anticipate another selfish request, favor or expectation amidst the heat of a guest's re-run outward self-attestation and hopeful receipt of substantiation. I clam up at being cut-off by a listening party neglecting their role. And those tell-tale signs dig right into my F.
Rather than surrounding myself with company who will validate, not hear but listen, make me feel like I am valued as an individual, respected for my struggles and perseverance, considered as "intelligent" and "capable" (as I strive to do for others), I am most often only made to feel like I might have the unfortunate powers of invisibility. Regrettably, I am only seeking a 50/50 scenario. I would negotiate 60/40. How hard could that be?

Occasionally I reach the bottom-out point and really crave some socialization. I think, "it sure would be nice to have a worthwhile conversation with someone my age/frame of mind/ mentality/ social status/etc." to reflect on things I've been working through or developing in my mind, and see if others are working through said things too...then go seeking such interaction. The unfortunate thing is that inadvertently I always seem to wear my blasted invisibility suit; thusly a conversation, as between two or more, is like a three-legged dog: lopsided. So I go home wondering whether I have some dysfunction. It's perpetual.

While my ode to the label of kickstand may sound piercing, directed or conniving, to the aforementioned reader, I offer gratitude...communication, as between two, is always achieved...(sometimes my answer is best received with a few days thought, vocab, and the assistance of editing and refining abilities).

But, generally, I have come to this: if my inevitable role is to bolster the bike, I'd rather stay in the garage.













A final deep thought: as a provider of support I should really take all the safety precautions, so as not to get lost.